sock-totally

2012-02-25T22:32:00.001-05:00

I want love, but only the right one. Which means I will wait, for the right one. These are commonly called high expectations but I can't, can't fathom having anything less.

2012-02-17T00:29:00.001-05:00

It's Friday tomorrow. Yet another week has gone by, the sixth time this semester. One thing I am proud of is how I am trying to live each day fully, enjoying the littlest moments. Walking around when it's nice out, going to Caribou to grab a cuppa and part-read-part-people-watch. But coupled with this is a nibbling sadness that it is all going to come to pass soon. I am dreading the day it ends although I am pretty confident I will be able to walk away even if it is hard leaving this wonderful place and all that comes with it. I mean, life has to go on and I can't go about whining and staying in this dreamland. I am happy with myself for really trying to put myself out there this semester, talking to people more, making friends and friendships to the best I can. Some time back I noticed that I don't have any American male friends to speak of other than those I say casual hi-and-byes to. But now I am glad I at least have conversations with this classmate I have, which I really appreciate. Every single American friend I have I am really thankful towards, for opening their hearts and worlds to a foreigner like me, even if I see just bits and pieces. They have absolutely no need to be nice to me at all but they still do, and that is why I really count my blessings.

Really trying to put myself out there. Last semester was about self-cultivation and this semester shall be about the world outside of myself.

2012-01-29T15:49:00.001-05:00

Sorry united, i changed my wallpaper from old trafford to ryan.

2012-01-27T23:31:00.000-05:00

I am an onion.

There is a riot in my head.

I love metaphors, now. A little too late hmm?

2012-01-10T00:06:00.001-05:00

Live life with no illusions, baby.

2012-01-08T21:31:00.001-05:00

I resolve to use Facebook less.

Now that is a difficult resolution to keep to. Definitely a first-world, 21st-century problem I am ashamed of. But I will try. I will minimize my time on Facebook unless I'm using it to keep in touch with my friends and family. I think Facebook has its evils but I believe it has its uses too. Harness the uses of technology but don't fall prey to it.

The other day on Skype with my family, I told my mum I knew the news in Singapore - that Carrefour had decided to stop selling shark's fin, that SMRT's CEO had quit, and that some DBS/POSB accounts had suffered fraudulent withdrawals - and then she brought out the Straits Times from that day and the day before with exactly those headlines. That was pretty funny.

In other news, I also resolved to spending less this semester.

First day of Spring semester tomorrow! And I have five hours of class at one shot. Looking forward to going to the package centre after class to pick up my textbooks and package from home.

2012-01-01T03:53:00.001-05:00

In 2012 I:
i. strive to be happy
ii. wish for courage for my pursuits and for my dreams
iii. wish for a sense of humour so that I can make lemonade from lemons
iv. strive to be sufficient and content with being on my own, to seek self-fulfillment and independence
v. strive to not look back with pity or regret
vi. will celebrate what I have and be thankful

It has been too long and it is time I let go of any unhappiness I have. Too short is life not to go forth and seek the life I want.

P. S. I stress that these are not "new-year resolutions", think those are too lame :p

2012-01-01T03:45:00.003-05:00

Happy 2012.

Yes, I just spent New Year's Eve in New York City. Can't believe I am writing that but here I am! It's been a crazy two weeks on the road, traveling to Philadelphia, Boston and finally the Big Apple. I remember telling my travel companions when we first got to New York that this is the #1 on my travel list.

I've spent eight out of ten days here in NYC. It sounds like a long time but the days have been passing really quickly. Christmas and New Year's sort of shortened that eight long days somewhat with the festivities and closures, and somehow I feel disoriented. To be fair I have done most of the things I wanted to here, having visited MoMA (<3), the Metropolitan, the Museum of Natural History which I had erroneously thought would look like the museum in Night at the Museum, Ground Zero, walked down Wall Street and Times Square, seen the night skyline from Rockefeller, watched two Broadway productions, tasted gastronomical delights at Il Laboratorio del Gelato/ Rice to Riches/ Artichokes Pizza/ Halal Guys etc. But I think what is missing is really what I wanted to do very very much in New York - sit at a cafe watching people or reading a book, and strolling down the cobblestone streets of Soho and downtown Brooklyn. I had thought ten days in New York would give me sufficient to do all the above but I guess I was wrong. Too much to do, too little time! Perhaps, this is NYC for you.

I remember the thought running through my mind when we first got here: "Man, this place is rough." People were less friendly, beggars were more aggressive and getting talked to by a strange woman at the bus terminal didn't help the case. The famed subway system also doesn't have the cleanest and most comfortable stations and trains. Our neighborhood is also not glamorous like downtown Manhattan is. But over time you just get used to it and realize that it is not that dangerous after all, or at least it doesn't feel so. Something about New York grows on you. It seems like there is always more to discover, be it a good coffee joint, a cheap pizza outlet (New York pizza is really unbeatable), a used books store or a funky boutique. You could be in a picturesque neighborhood overlooking the financial district in one minute and in a "real" neighborhood the next. There's so much diversity, and so much attitude.

If I had to use one thing to encapsulate the spirit of New York City, it is the buskers on the subway trains. This is the very first place I encountered buskers on moving subway trains: they hop on, get their boombox playing, start dancing, ask for tips from those willing, get off. Or they could play the saxophone, or whatever. It's so spontaneous, so in-your-face, just like the city.

And, how can I ever forget the feeling I got when I first stepped into Times Square the night we got here...

Anyway, Ryan Gosling is apparently in town. What a bizarre feeling, to know that he is somewhere in this city I am in (:

2011-12-05T22:17:00.001-05:00

Sometimes it frightens me how it feels I could just drop everything in Singapore and stay here (or away from home) for good. Are there really so few things about home that tie me down?

Frightening, but sometimes only, lah.

2011-12-04T12:13:00.001-05:00

note to self: don't forget to be happy while searching for happiness.

the first step to being happy is being happy.

:)

2011-11-29T16:19:00.001-05:00

I am looking out of the window. It is grey and the clouds are hanging low.

I was listening to this song last night:

I never saw it happening
I'd given up and given in
I just couldn't take the hurt again
What a feeling

I didn't have the strength to fight
Suddenly you seemed so right
Me and you
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun, sun, shine.

I wonder when I will be able to sing this song, every word ringing true.
Till then, I shall be alone and I shall be healing.

I just couldn't take the hurt again
What a feeling

2011-11-27T13:45:00.001-05:00

I've finally finished watching Harry Friedman's oral history interview on the Shoah Visual History Archive. It is interesting how within that span of three hours, I come to feel so acquainted with him despite how far away from me he is physically and historically (in fact I don't even know if he has passed away since it's been more than ten years since the interview). As a fellow human being, I empathize, I relate, I weep, I celebrate, and I feel.

For to feel is part of being human and a reminder of our humanity is what the Holocaust should be.

a chapel hill birthday

2011-11-20T23:08:00.001-05:00

Turned 20.

I had been thinking about how I'd spend my 20th birthday on this very special date. It always seemed far away but silently it crept up on me and I barely had any concrete plans.

In a few words I sum it up: the Clefhangers' Fall Concert on the 19th, cake party at Granville over midnight and the accompanying nonsense, impromptu skyped Jing Yi, skyped squadmates the next morning, hopped to Carrboro for Sunday brunch at Elmo's Diner, discovered the gem that is Carrboro (diners, knick-knack stores, bars, art spaces, cafes, dumpling trucks, mural art, giftshops), ate free fudge from a couple who wanted to "share happiness", sat at Caribou coffee with a frappe... and the day ended with a wonderful Indomie party at Granville, something the Granville Gang have weekly.

I was about to say that the best parts of this birthday was walking around Carrboro with camera in hand and the Indomie party, but come to think of it everything was equally wonderful. Although it was a relatively quiet and peaceful birthday (I haven't adopted American birthdays yet - partying), every single item I listed above was really enjoyable and warming to my heart. I really loved discovering Carrboro; I hadn't known that it was actually that beautiful, especially the area around Weaver Street Market. My knowledge of Carrboro had been confined to the dubious and gray area around Cat's Cradle but now I know where the laid-back, arty cafes are, the knick-knack shops and the diners. That includes West Franklin Street too - the Anarchist bookstore and a bunch of vintage shops I haven't yet explored. Just as I was beginning to feel trapped in this little town, I rediscovered the joys of being here, of exploration, of travel. I am so excited to get back onto W Franklin and Carrboro again because there is still so much more I want to see. To venture off the main road and into the historic residential district, to browse the racks of clothes in the vintage stores, to flip through books I wouldn't find in mainstream bookstores, to drink coffee and eat pastries at the super-cool Open Eye Cafe. It exhilarates me to have found all these gems as well as my own wanderlust on my birthday, and a birthday I spent away from home.

This birthday I am also reminded of how thankful I am for the people around me. The Singaporean exchange students are a marvelous bunch. As I said before, it's just comforting to have around friends who share the same culture and even jokes. I appreciate Xinmin for readily agreeing to brunch and for bringing me around Carrboro, to everyone else for being there at the midnight cake+nonsense party and especially to Eng Shaw and the other guys for the Indomie party. The Indomie party took my breath away simply because it was so, well, simple and homely. A bunch of boys and girls seated at a dining table in a kitchen (complete with wood furnishings and hanging lamps), eyes glued to the tv watching cartoons, slurping the comfort food that is Indomie, bahu and caixin. It was all so simple yet so immensely sweet. I really thank them for insisting I went over and for letting me spend the last few minutes of my twentieth in a familiar setting but in a strange place 16,000 miles from home. That moment was so moving I could have cried. I didn't come to Chapel Hill expecting to make such good friends with them yet three months down the road, I have. It still feels funny that a group of about ten people can go from being total strangers to almost-family.

I have grown a lot in the past year I believe. Maybe not much more than I did in previous years, but I still have. I made more friends and got myself more involved (though there is still much room to do so). I left the place I was born and bred to pursue one of the dreams I have always had. In this year my heart has also taken a lot of beating. I have hesitated and now I have been forced to let go regardless of the pain that comes with it. I may have lost some innocence in the process but I genuinely wish for my heart to regain some of its purity and idealism. Things have hardened me and forced my heart to numb, but I believe I can and will only love myself more. After all, I have amazed myself how I've been able to get through all of it.

And after all, I am chasing my dream, I am seeing the world, I am learning and I am growing. What more can I ask for?

Thanks to friends who stuck by me. Thank you to my family who made me who I am and for providing me with everything I could ever ask for. And to myself I can only wish for more courage and strength to live the life I want to live.

"Don't wish me happiness. I don't expect to be happy all the time... It's gotten beyond that somehow. Wish me courage and strength and a sense of humor. I will need them all."

2011-11-17T23:03:00.001-05:00

Sitting at my table, three days before my twentieth birthday, feeling like a loser.

I feel restless. I have energy unused. I want to do more with my life.

2011-11-13T19:52:00.001-05:00

Sunday evening and I am feeling rather lackadaisical about work... partly because I don't have much that I die die have to do anyway. I'm not having a hell week or anything like that so I'm just using this week to do the foundation I need to face the week after Thanksgiving. I have 2 papers due and 2 exams then. But right now I'm chilled out; how queer for a Sunday night!

I was cleaning up my links page, taking off blogs that aren't alive anymore, and updating those that have moved. Half the blogs I read now aren't on that list because the people that own them don't know I blog (or that's as much as I know) and I think it's weird to link them. That led me to wonder what the purpose of my links page is. As less and less people blog I noticed that many of those remaining no longer provide links anymore. Maybe it's also a change in their objective in blogging: no longer for others to read, no longer a social networking thing. I feel like people blog more for themselves now, or maybe there is a turn towards a more narcissistic approach towards keeping a blog. (One could write a whole sociological paper on this but oh just how quick tech trends come and go!)

Why haven't I removed mine yet then? Somehow I feel that a blog without links out is like a road with a dead end. It feels like everything just stops there. It's just a feeling, something reminiscent of fengshui (?!). Maybe links are like a 'Related Works' section in a scholarly publication. And perhaps it's just nostalgia (which is, by the way, so me), nostalgia for the way the blogosphere used to work when I first started out, when you could get to the blogs of everyone in my level in nanyang just by clicking on link after link. Well I don't know about how true that is but it certainly felt like it then.

I can't believe I just typed one entire post on links! This goes to show how reluctant I am to resume work.

Tata.

2011-11-06T11:58:00.000-05:00

Holed up in my room, munching on a turkey and bacon stuffed bagel. It's November the 6th, and I'm happy by that very fact alone; I love November, for obvious reasons.

Today when I stepped out into the sun I was greeted by a most beautiful sight: Stadium Drive is finally turning into the colours of fall. My camera had better come into good use.

Finally spoke with my parents again yesterday. It dawned on me that family must be what I miss the most about Singapore. If not, it seems like I could stay here without problem. Despite everything that is seemingly wrong about my stay in Chapel Hill, like not having a group of close friends and being trapped in this little town because I don't drive, there is something I really like about being here.

The citygirl in me is coming to the fore; I have to say American towns are pretty underwhelming. I haven't seen much of what I've been dreaming to see here in America, and hence I certainly have high hopes on Boston and New York City. I yearn for cafes, sidewalks, indie boutiques, galleries, taxis, subways. A brisk walk down cobbled streets. Watching people walk purposefully and hurriedly, their minds half on something and half, another. Honestly, here I can hardly believe that Franklin Street is supposedly the place to be in the area.

Almost done with my bagel. Ciao.

2011-11-04T17:02:00.001-04:00

I'm worried about a dear friend. I am thousands of miles away and I have no idea how I should try to help.

If you who are reading this, think you might be who I'm talking about, please know that I love you very much and I really wish I could help in some way. I wish I could reach into your very guarded heart, beyond your veiled emotions and listen to you. And to say things that would not just make you feel better but actually turn things for the better.

2011-10-29T00:48:00.001-04:00

Who provides comfort to me? I am thinking of people whom I am perfectly comfortable with and who just being beside would bring me some form of simple joy or peace.

I struggle to think of many. Often I feel like I am putting on a show for people around me. It's not that I am artificial or that I don't trust people around me much; having a part of me that likes to entertain people means that I often find myself joking and making a fool out of myself. And to some extent that implies putting aside the emotions deep inside me. This is not always a bad thing, of course.

I am just searching for someone with whom I can sit in silence and not have to put on a show of some sort. Someone with whom I can be absolutely boring, with whom I can slouch over and look ugly, with whom I can say things I mean even if they come out sounding stupid, because sometimes the most brilliant answers are found by asking the dumbest questions.

Is that a soulmate? I don't know, it doesn't have to be romantic, it just has to be true and truly comfortable. Comfortable and so broken in, yes, that's it.

Certainly the question lies with me partly; nobody demands me to be entertaining, nobody demands me to need to feel important or substantial. But, just saying.

2011-10-18T01:52:00.000-04:00

Today I carved my first pumpkin and dined at an American home for the first time, thanks to my wonderful host parent.

2011-10-16T02:29:00.003-04:00

I want a happier entry on my blog instead of that previous post about being tired, so here i introduce my new friend! Got it at the State Fair today :) Nice to have something to hold and play with - what a kid I am.

2011-10-11T00:34:00.001-04:00

I am really tired now studying for my test tomorrow. I am incredibly stressed over it because firstly, I am not confident I can remember the different works to use as examples; secondly, I don't know if I have enough content and opinion to write an hour-long essay. I don't have any excitement for this test at all, something I usually induce myself to have. I am really tired too and I just want to get it over and done with, but I dread the possibility of sitting in the classroom for one hour not knowing what to write. Having not enough to write about is such a torturous feeling. I hate too not getting enough sleep and falling asleep in class especially on Tuesdays and Thursdays when I am so prone to doing that.

Everything will be better when tomorrow's test is over.

I have been trying to convince myself that I don't need other people, but at times I can't help feeling lonely. At this point in time I just wish I had someone I know well enough to rant at about my stress. I don't like being dependent but you can't blame me for being like that once in a while.

Back to being strong.

2011-10-09T20:20:00.000-04:00

This week I:

1. Caught a play and witnessed live nudity onstage for the first time
2. Went to a gig and staked out for pictures
3. Bought a CD to support emerging talent
4. Dressed for fall
5. Swam in an indoor pool
6. Did corework a couple of times

Let's go!

White flag

2011-10-08T01:50:00.001-04:00

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
Or tell you that
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

2011-10-07T00:37:00.001-04:00

Just finished reading Maus, which blew my mind away.
More on it later.

2011-10-05T00:50:00.001-04:00

I don't wanna say goodbye.

2011-10-04T00:50:00.001-04:00

Beyond anger lies sadness.

So this is a different kind of 'morning-after', but equally affecting.

Sigh. Me, myself and I.

2011-10-03T17:24:00.002-04:00

With Oasis' Stop Crying Your Heart Out ringing in my ears.

Just take what you need, and be on your way

Really melancholic right now. A couple of people in this whole wide world will know why. Am I wishing for someone to hold me and say everything will be okay? Not quite, I guess. Here I am, my body fighting the waves of cold hitting against it. Song after song playing on Pandora Radio, by some stroke of serendipity, those that evoke memories - good memories gone sour. I, alone, will combat this. I don't need to fall into an evil cycle of dependence anymore. Because when you are dependent, you can't control how things turn out.

I wonder if you are reading this. I don't know if you still care but I really wonder if you are reading this. I guess that shows I still care. But I am trying my very best not to, because it is never going to do any good for me.

2011-10-02T02:18:00.001-04:00

Sock, stay strong.

:)

2011-09-25T20:02:00.000-04:00

Ladeedum.

Sitting in Davis Library now, after a rather productive afternoon in terms of writing my Art History paper. It's dark outside and my laptop battery is running out, so I'm going home soon. I have half my paper left which I am going to leave for tomorrow. It's due on Tuesday in class.

I tell people, my home is Carmichael. Hehe. #adventuresofinternationalstudent

Tonight I will be completing my post-lab assignment for geology and writing my draft for Crash. One of my favorite movies, all time.

2011-09-24T21:04:00.002-04:00

What I bought yesterday and today:

1. Columbia hiking sandals
2. 2 pairs of Banana Republic tights
3. Dark blue Hollister skinny jeans
4. Mid-blue Hollister jeggings
5. Gray knit dress
6. Black-and-white striped dolman top
7. Navy blue Tommy Hilfiger cable knit tunic sweater
8. Pink-and-white small-check Tommy Hilfiger button down shirt
9. Red-blue-and-white Hollister plaid shirt
10. Blue long-sleeve Nike top with hood

Did that because I came back feeling like I spent a lot of money, but seeing how much I bought (and their brands) I think logically it is reasonable. Everything except the Hollister bottoms was on sale I guess you can say I made lots of savings (I don't really subscribe to this argument but...). And I am proud I didn't buy anymore summer clothing! Resist!

heehee

2011-09-22T13:51:00.002-04:00

2011-09-21T21:30:00.003-04:00

On Crash:

Me and White guy: (refers to discussion question teacher gave) Alright let's talk about which scenes made us feel uncomfortable.

African-American guy: Well nothing in the movie really shocked me.

I love discussing difficult issues because I think the more we talk about them, the more we can understand and try to overcome them.

I like my english class because we're such a diverse mix. I just loved the feeling of watching the movie alongside my classmates who were all seeing it with their own eyes, eyes that have been colored with their own life experiences.

2011-09-11T17:06:00.000-04:00

I have about 8 minutes to write a post before I get cracking again. Life has somehow been so busy, despite me not having many friends and club activities here, that I haven't found much time to write. The dearth of posts might make it seem that my time here isn't all that interesting but I have to say it's been one hell of an experience here so far. It ain't just about watching (American) football games with thousands of other people wearing Carolina blue, or musing about the differences between Duke and UNC, or liveliness of The Pit at lunchtime. It's very much about the cultural differences and even displacement I feel from time to time, about gradually getting used to trying to speak with an American twang, about living with another person in the same space among others, about growing up and handling my own affairs. So many thoughts have crossed and lingered in my mind and I find myself facing each day with a greater sense of melancholy and sensitivity. I am not saying that I am sad or unhappy but when you're thrown into the deep end of the pool every detail comes out stronger at you, like a book with its words and images in bold. It means my emotions are more amplified (but silenced at the same time because I don't know anyone well enough here to broadcast them). But it also means that I appreciate the beauty in little things like how everyone's polite and considerate, and when I taste something good, and the vintage clothing store on Franklin Street at which I bought a cute red cropped t-shirt.

I was telling somebody that nobody ever told me that an exchange would be like this (read: hard at so many junctures). The resident exaggerating voice at the back of my head screams "I didn't sign up for this" but as I said that's an exaggeration. It's just that I am amazed that so many people have gone on exchange and come back, and I can't believe that every one of them has had to go through the same emotional experience that I am going through now. Maybe I am a little more sensitive and introspective than some people, but you get what I mean.

2011-09-07T02:22:00.001-04:00

I. need. more. time. to. write. here.
21 days since I got here.

Right now I need to go to bed.

2011-08-27T01:14:00.003-04:00

It's been more than a week since I arrived in Chapel Hill, NC. I wouldn't say that everything's been easy but right now I am feeling alright, after the multiple mishaps I had at the start of the stay here. I had a great day today, had 2 chill classes, lunched with roomie, napped for a couple of hours before waking up to watch my first UNC women's soccer game. I was prepared to watch it alone, so when Emiri (exchange student from Japan) agreed to come I was happy enough. And then six other Singaporeans decided to come at the last minute as well. So we had a jolly good time shouting our own lingo like 'referee kayu' which nobody else understood. Soccer also feels like home since it is almost our national sport. I know everyone says we should hang out with non-Singaporeans but it feels good to hang out with your own countrymen once in a while. I had a good laugh with them as well as an awesome time watching girls play. It started raining midway and stopped and started and stopped - what a test of the fans' endurance. We almost gave in and left but the thought of our 20 Fever points made us stay :p in the end it was really worth it because we won the game with a golden goal. It was just inspiring how all the girls on the pitch just kept fighting despite the rain.

After the game, we went to meet with a few other Singaporeans who were with some UNC students who had gone to Singapore on various programs. It was fun to hear them speak certain Singlish terms. Felt so at home, and heartened to see some Americans actually interested in exchange students...

Went to frisbee 'practice' on Thursday. Glad i went, it was fun. The peeps were nice and it reminded me of vjsg when i first joined. Same thing, no experience needed. Bet that is very rare in a country like US where everyone is so sporty. Not sure if i will join but it was a good experience :)

2011-08-25T15:49:00.001-04:00

Hello from Chapel Hill.

2011-08-15T13:36:00.002-04:00

I know I'll always love you. I know it'll get hard when it happens. But till that day and beyond I'll always be loving you. I've no idea how I'm going to cope with it, but I know we'll get through, because we're tough people.

2011-08-09T11:41:00.001-04:00

Happy national day, Singapore :)

Wanted to write a reflective entry but somehow time ran out and it's close to midnight. Need to eat something and then adhere to my medicine regime. Sigh 9 pills to take. Been taking so many pills recently I feel the need to purge all that chemicals :/

2011-08-06T11:25:00.003-04:00

My mood just got lifted by The Cranberries' Just My Imagination, which I've never heard before but randomly clicked on on youtube.

Other than a rather fulfilling tuition session in the morning, this has been quite a bad day but only because of how I've been feeling. Nothing bad really happened but I've just been feeling quite down. I spent the day at home again after getting home from the east. I've been spending a lot of time at home lately, fussing with god-knows-what (okay la, my luggage and many other administrative matters like checking out what demand drafts and travel insurance are). I apparently have a lot of people to meet before I fly, but I am suffering from a very bad bout of inertia. I don't know what's stopping me, probably uncertainty surrounding my dental apptment and stuff. Hai, very sad.

I've also been feeling very sleepy everyday. It's both a blessing and a disguise, because I get to sleep at my home as much as I want (since I won't be able to do that for almost a year), but it also makes me very sleepy, like a vicious circle. I am having problems waking up on alarm. But I'm glad I managed to make myself go to Beach Road to get things and by chance explore the area a bit, getting lost in my own city. Reminded me of how I like to explore places on my own, without a worry on my mind. :)

I am going to sleep early in an attempt to get my sleep cycle in order again. Yay.

2011-07-24T06:48:00.002-04:00

I have a love-hate relationship with self-censorship. I hate it because it leaves me with a niggling sense of dissatisfaction knowing you've put pen to paper (or fingers to keys, for that matter) in an attempt to unleash some emotion or share an enlightening thought, yet not having the courage or convenience to succeed in that attempt. I love this site and want to continue sharing thoughts and snippets of my life here, chiefly with myself, but I abhor the idea of a closed/locked site as well. I know it probably isn't logical, but I like the idea of having a little space to call my own in the free world that is cyberspace. I am vaguely enamoured with the idea that someone curious about me can search me up and this site would come up somewhere in Google's list of thousands of websites. Yet I am also profoundly afraid of opening my mind, heart and life up without any semblance of discretion. Evidently, I am afraid of being judged by those who would, of being the subject of discussion by tongues that know no context of issues in my life, of wild guesses and baseless accusations.

I got on a cruise last Friday and sailed away for a couple of days. Staring out into the endless sea right after sunrise and late into the pitch-black night were equally mesmerizing. I felt saddened by the fact that I was not accompanied by my soulmate (or what-do-you-call-it). The moments I spent sitting alone on the top deck of the ship, almost engulfed by the winds were overwhelmingly beautiful. It wasn't long before I let my mind drift through memories on playback, sensible thoughts, and senseless ones, and let tears fall as they came.

It wasn't a time to be shared with my soulmate, but one I spent alone, with my heart, raw and brimming with emotion.

2011-07-18T12:03:00.002-04:00

History Seminar was held on Saturday (16 Jul). Rly happy with the way it turned out! Am deeply thankful to NMS for all the support they provided for the entire History Festival, both Voices of the Past and History Seminar. And to all our speakers, including Boo JF who blew my heart awayyyyy haha. Fangirl.

2011-07-14T12:59:00.001-04:00

No matter how many places I run to, this blog remains my emotional depository. I love this place so much I almost treat it like a person, a friend. Thank you for being by my side all this time.

I probably just sounded ridiculous but, whatever!

2011-06-30T10:49:00.003-04:00

Friend,
I don't know if you're reading this; I doubt you are. In fact, I doubt you know the existence of this page. But today I was thinking about that conversation we had and I would like to thank you - this once - for pointing out something about me of which I had a very slight notion but never could put my finger on, something I knew I cherished very much about myself as a person, as an individual. Thanks for telling me that I am spontaneous. I still feel the word doesn't quite capture the essence of it but I think you and I both know what you really meant. As I said 'random' could probably help explain it a little but yes, indeed, that doesn't quite capture it too.

Finally someone has discovered that quirky side of me, and finally I know for sure I am indeed 'spontaneous' (still not the right word!).

2011-06-29T11:07:00.002-04:00

Should've come here to write and gone to bed by 11pm, but it's already 11.10 and I just got here. I'm somehow immensely tired despite having had more than 9 hours of sleep last night (and waking up late in the process), and not doing much in the day except to go to NUS. Experiencing the kind of irritating fatigue that can't drive you to sleep even though it's so... much. But okay, it's not the worst I could be feeling.

Life's okay... As a follow-up to one of my previous posts, really still don't know why I have been more susceptible to loneliness attacks. But anyway life's picking up speed right now, what with the huge event I've been planning for, as well as several camps and the like to attend. My energy is being split up and I hope in the process of all this I don't forget (or lose the time) to taste my favourite foods, love the persons and people I love, smell the roses in my beloved country, soak up the sun and the rain.

Friend's bringing me out tomorrow but I don't know where yet. I think it does feel quite nice to be out without having to think about where to go. Maybe I feel that way because I find myself having to think of where to go, what to bring people to eat etc a lot. Haha. Party planner.

Sleepysleepy me. Goodnight y'all. :)

2011-06-26T13:35:00.001-04:00

Still alive. I'm still alive.

2011-06-16T13:02:00.003-04:00

I haven't been wanting to say this, or perhaps I have even been trying to avoid saying this because I hate behaving like a whiny kid, but I dislike how loneliness creeps up to me. I don't know why I've been feeling it more recently; maybe it's the holidays, not having any studies or proper job to take care of. Sometimes in the day it's okay, especially when I am out having meetings, meeting people or basically just getting my mind off personal issues and onto more productive ones. But at random moments in the day (or night, for that matter), when my mind drifts, I just begin to feel... alone.

I don't think the answer to it is to get myself in the midst of people more. I think it's really about gaining... inner peace (I didn't mean to quote Kungfu Panda 2 - wth - but that term suddenly popped into my head!). To be at peace with myself, with the way things turned out. I need to accept the present. I need to feel satisfied with my life even though some things didn't go the way I might've wanted them to be. I just realized I've never felt so powerless and at the mercy of life or fate if it exists. I've somehow always been able to see things in a good light, despite how terribly pessimistic I think I am. But now I have to accept that some things in life cannot be achieved even though you want to. I need to stop being bitter and start being thankful. I need to stop feeling like I lack something, and start being confident again. I need to feel good about myself. I need to love myself and my life, which I was doing very much just a while ago. I need to feel like a complete person.

I've always been a determined person. Now I need to stop being so determined in making things work, and start being determined in accepting the fact that they won't.

No, this was not an emo, Tumblr-esque entry. It was meant to be uplifting, a post for myself.

2011-06-14T02:32:00.004-04:00

This is funny but I'm going to apologize to whatever readers of this blog I have left for the lack of updates and the miserable lack of length in what recent entries I have. As I said before I don't really like to write when I don't have much to say and somehow I've been feeling a dearth of inspiration recently. I'll look for it, heh.

2011-05-29T12:32:00.000-04:00

Everything's gonna be alright, Sock.

2011-05-27T13:53:00.002-04:00

Just gotta suck it up and deal with it, girl.

However delayed this heartbreak might be, it still has to be braved through.

Just grind your teeth for a while, hopefully one day you will see the light, and the rainbow.

2011-05-26T13:34:00.002-04:00

I love nightdrives, midnight radio, streetlamps, roads, trains, buses, local taxis, streetscapes.

Based on this list, I should learn to drive, right.

2011-05-20T13:13:00.002-04:00

I went shopping alone today and bought two pairs of shorts. One, a basic black pair with a huge ribbon tie, and two, a silky pair with brown and black tribal prints and an elasticised waist.

I had a very strong sense of emotion engulf me today when I was on the train downtown. I loved how the train was relatively empty. The tension between the few passengers onboard. It wasn't a negative tension - I could just feel a something in the atmosphere, as strangers observe each other from the corners of their eyes, fellow passengers for but one ride in their lives. Then I plugged myself into some good Mayday and the moment felt perfect.

I have something for public transport and the people in them, their interactions. So everyday, so common. If I ever became an artist I think public transport would be one huge source of inspiration.

2011-05-14T12:18:00.002-04:00

I don't really like to write here when I don't have anything specific to write about because I think it dilutes the flavour of my blog. But it's okay, I'm bumming around doing nothing but after this short post I shall go and do some cleaning up instead of sitting in front of my laptop which I have been doing a lot.

Exams ended a while ago and right now life is comparatively relaxed and I am free to do what I want everyday. I do have some things to settle especially in preparation for UNC but still each day I get to do what I want. While I've been lamenting what a waste it is that I am not doing anything "useful" (read: internships and the like) this summer, I am secretly happy with how slack life is now. Tsktsk, but whatever!

Had Bedok 85, then went to Bethany's to play mahjong, the other day after watching the juniors play their semis. Also completed my Biennale runabout right before it ends. Gonna be reading and writing more in the coming days. Feels good. Gotten my life back! Yay!

Going off to do a bit of cleaning up now. :)

2011-05-02T06:20:00.002-04:00

Was reading an acquaintance's running blog and suddenly felt quite motivated to start running. Haha. Mainly because i thought she should be quite very fit because she runs so much, but when i saw her timings i realized it was somewhat like what i used to be able to do in jc. Of course that was totally the peak of my life (and i know i'll never reach it again) but i never thought it was that good anyway. Vjsg training is good :)

But ya, i highly doubt i will henceforth be motivated to run regularly, mainly because of my knee pain which comes even when i don't do anything. I still remember the one and only time i did a round around nus, and my right knee hurt for about 5 days after that. But i wanna swim soon!

2011-04-25T11:16:00.001-04:00

I see us in them. In everyone.

Sigh.

2011-04-22T09:11:00.001-04:00

Both the stormy sea and the safe harbour. How beautiful and how i miss it.

How i miss it.

How much i miss it.

2011-04-20T11:08:00.002-04:00

I discovered how much more optimistic - or chill, a more apt word I should say - I have become. I was major freaking out just now, having woken up from my nap and realizing how extremely little time I have left to the exams. An acute realization. And then I went to take a shower and in it cleared that thought up quickly, telling myself I have lost time but all I can do is to control the future.

:)

2011-04-18T21:48:00.004-04:00

9.00am
My blog needs a status update.
Twitter asks 'What's happening?'
Facebook asks 'What's on your mind?'

And i shall construct my answers based on these two questions.

What's happening?
In the greater scheme, i am writing my World Heritage proposal and studying for final exams.
Right now, I am groggy. My mind is clouded. Slight sore throat i'm trying to nurse. Aches on my shoulders. I don't want the fan on but the weather is hot.

What's on my mind?
Wish i can go back to bed to nurse these unexpected ailments.

I just made myself sound miserable. I'm not that miserable actually. :)

6.34pm
Still feeling under the weather. Sigh. This uncertainty of whether i am suffering from a cold, or am heaty, makes remedying a confused process. Almost time for dinner, though i'm not really looking forward to it cos it's going to be another solitary one. But actually, i'm not in the condition to be having a meal with another person. No energy to make small talk.

One thing you learn growing up is that certain things are irreconcilable. Like views on religion, politics... you learn the world is not an infinitely harmonious place. You realize you can never do certain things with certain people because you disagree. Attempting to compromise - and trudging forward anyway - it's just a foolish thing to do, isn't it? We sometimes learn disagreeing is wrong, but thinking that every single person can learn to agree on every single issue is masking the simple truth.

Anyway, on a side note: i think learning to face the world with the mindset that you will be alone is a much better option than otherwise. :)

2011-04-10T10:43:00.000-04:00

:(

Just one of those days.

2011-04-02T11:54:00.002-04:00

Wish I had more time to write here. Especially during the semester, when my mind gets stimulated constantly.. so much to think about, and to put down in words. I wish, I wish. I miss this place! After exams -> mind blanks out -> nothing to write about.

Hmm, I want to go to JB on a day trip during the 'summer' break! And I'm also looking forward to watching Desire at the Melancholic String Concert next next Saturday. I need some artistic form of rejuvenation. Still thinking if I should catch TNS' Singapore during the Arts Fest. Exp! Whyy do prices get inflated during the Arts Fest.

Now, back to UNESCO World Heritage. :) Joyjoyjoy

2011-03-29T13:09:00.000-04:00

You ask me if I love you and I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you on what you say or do
I'm only just beginning to see the real you
And sometimes when we touch
the honesty's too much and I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you till I die
till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer, still trapped within my truths
A hesitant prizefighter still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
the honesty's too much and I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you till I die
till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides

At times I'd like to break you and drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through and hold you endlessly
At times I understand you and I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you
and I've watched love pass you by
At times I think we're drifters, still searching for a friend,
A brother or a sister, but then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
the honesty's too much and I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you till I die
till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides

2011-03-21T13:28:00.001-04:00

:(

I can do this i can i can

2011-03-12T10:49:00.002-05:00

Evidently, I haven't had the time to come here to write since before the Cambodian trip. It's almost been a month and this is certainly not the time to be blogging, but here I am, though I can't promise a long post. Besides the heaps of things (school, non-acads and tuition) I have on my plate, I guess I also like my previous post very much. Fly to cambodia :)

So yes i've been to Cambodia and back for the second time, but this experience was completely different from the previous one. Will write more when I have the time.

Have had a crazy 64 hours since Thursday. Slept 5 hours on Thursday night/ Friday morning and went to school as a zombie on Friday, and couldn't focus in class at all. Not being able to focus in class always makes me so frustrated, knowing how much more I could actually learn if I were in the right frame of mind. For the entire day I was groggy and could fall asleep at any moment of idleness, but for that night itself I didn't sleep at all because my group was working on our project. It felt quite an experience though I knew it was gonna have huge repercussions on my weekend, but anyway I am glad we have completed it. And the fact that it was a good experience working with the rest makes up for the lost sleep. This morning, came back and crashed for three hours before waking up for lunch and heading to IMH. I haven't been there in a month and a half and it felt great to be back. When everything else is moving and changing at breakneck speed, having something as a constant in my life keeps me sane. I foresee that my two plus years at IMH are going to stretch on for a long time in my life.

Now I'm back in pgp. On a Saturday night.

Time to sleep. Zzzzz

2011-02-19T04:22:00.002-05:00

Fly fly, flyyyy to Cambodia :)

2011-02-07T11:50:00.003-05:00

Don't know why I am feeling the way I am now, I shouldn't be. It's still early wrt the time of the month, so no excuses. Why so emo :(

Think it was what I heard today, and what I was thinking about on the bus back. Sometimes things are really funny - you think you've forgotten, that it's over, and then it all comes back to you again. Makes you wonder when you can really let go.

That day, a friend said something that really, really shocked me. Caught me completely off guard. He said I needed a boyfriend. Hahaha. That wasn't what shocked me though, but the reason he gave. It really set me wondering if I am so visible through and through. For someone who sees me once a week to tell me that - I am so surprised you can say I am impressed.

So it makes me wonder how transparent this person that I am really is. I think I am concealing things from the world, and most of the time I feel I succeed. And then there are sporadic moments like this that show me how (some?) people can see right through me. Or maybe I am just being too sensitive.

I amuse myself many a time when I catch myself giving things away just through my expressions. I am more expressive than I think (literally) and (some?) people can seriously tell my mood just from the look on my face. It's probably a weakness, and probably a strength - a strength in a passive-aggressive sort of way. Hiakhiak.

Happy CNY

2011-02-03T22:10:00.002-05:00

let me use my blog to organize my thoughts again!

want-to-dos and need-to-dos

watch The Green Hornet in cinemas
go gift-shopping (x2)
meet Potz
go to the art museum by 17feb
visit peranakan museum

got a lot of work to do this cny! i have been quite slack in getting work done. i resolve to get them done these few days.

想念你的歌

2011-01-29T10:11:00.000-05:00

是否曾经后悔过
那时候扶起说走就走
是否偶尔想过我
所以埋怨我
每当听你的下落
逞强常常让人无法负荷
躲起来边哭边说 i miss you
还舍不得把你封锁
星光闪烁如何拥有
站在远方才看见星空的轮廓
虽然有时候会寂寞
墙上时钟停格
你说放开手才会快乐
用半生的脉搏写成想念你的歌
该怎么才能让你懂呢
谁对谁错已经模糊了忘记了
我们都处理得有点笨拙
已经从来没有像这一次如此爱过
想念常让我无法负荷
常常只有一个念头 i miss you
我的爱情从来没有死掉过
星光闪烁如何拥有
站在远方才看见星空的轮廓
虽然有时候会寂寞
墙上时钟停格
你说放开手才会快乐
用半生的脉搏写成想念你的歌

2011-01-25T10:55:00.003-05:00

Had a good day, I think. Nothing much recently has motivated me to come here and write and I think having had a good day, albeit not a stupendous one, is enough reason to do so.

In a nutshell: I got slightly lost in Chemistry class (again), had lunch with Tongsy&Yl, learnt about the effects of the Japanese Occupation on Singapore's nation-building, finished my PS2249 readings for tomorrow, went to Chatterbox (haha), attended a briefing, had a good gathering with my Hissoc mates and saw photos of Iran from the perspective of fellow students who traveled there. Nothing spectacular but I think mindset-wise I gave myself a little more space.

Trying to go back to being real now. I hate resolutions and this is not one of them!

2011-01-22T09:31:00.003-05:00

If you asked me to write something here, I wouldn't know what to write about. That's because my mind is in a whirl, and inside it's just storming. Like with trees uprooted and cars overturned, attap houses with their roofs blown away. It's not the tragic sadness that follows a disaster, but still the intense confusion and helplessness i.e. don't know what to do, don't know what to think. Outside though, it's all calm. I'm great at the art of pretension.

Some little things have given me hope though and I hope they become real, lasting reasons to smile for.

2011-01-15T11:25:00.001-05:00

I wanna be happie.

I'm sure I can, right?

2011-01-14T11:20:00.000-05:00

我會試著放下往事　管它過去有多美
也會試著不去想起　你如何用愛將我包圍　
那深情的滋味
但願我會就此放下往事　忘了過去有多美
不盼緣盡仍留慈悲　雖然我曾經這樣以為　
我真的這樣認為

2011-01-09T05:31:00.001-05:00

This beautiful thing, running through my fingers, falling from my hands, like sand.
And all I can do is watch.

2011-01-07T08:48:00.002-05:00

Hi all. I have recently discovered a new word (or rather, invented it), "happity". Adorable isn't it? It is defined as happy, but with a more cheery twist, like having a skip in your step when you say the word. Heh.

I had dinner with my parents at Sushi Tei at Nex a couple of hours ago. We had the Sashimi Salad, Deep-fried Oysters, Tempura Chasoba, Yaki Soba and Una Tama Don.

I liked the ambience created by the regal gold lighting, and especially the very wide wooden tables which made sharing food (like the salad) a comfortable affair. The food, on the other hand, fell somewhat below par as much as I would like to give credit to it because of the ambience and the friendly wait-staff. We had the sashimi salad with Wafuu sauce and I really liked the latter, a thick brown sauce slightly salty and sweet, giving the raw lettuce just enough taste. The fact that it is served separate allows one to use as much sauce as desired. The pieces of salmon, tuna and squid were delightful as well though obviously the fish went better eaten together with the leaves than the squid (naturally rubbery texture). The deep-fried oysters, at $10 for 5 pieces, were a novel item to try. You get oysters in a breaded covering and served with mayonnaise and this sweet and thick brown sauce at the side. I enjoy oysters, but I felt this dish was just a little short of being good; perhaps the breading was a little too thick, and if they managed to get the oysters more raw (read: soft and oozing out) within the deep-fried exterior, it might have been more exciting. I don't know if that's a culinary possibility but the idea just surfaced in my head.

I did not really know what to make of the chasoba. The shoyu that came with it was too bland, not salty enough. The noodles were very packed and substantial, perhaps pleasing to pro-starch palates, but they were unable to absorb the shoyu so after the initial chewing, the taste of the shoyu disappears and you're left with starchy noodles in your mouth. The tempura was so-so, nothing spectacular. The Yaki soba was the most tasteful item of the night, not too savoury than desired, and the noodles were bouncy. The sparse amount of ingredients used meant one notices the noodles more than usual but the bouncy noodles do rise up to the occasion. For the una tama don (unagi and egg), my mother commented that the rice was too soft for her liking (she prefers solid chewy rice). The gravy was again less salty than usual but paired with the unagi it was just right, though together, this dish was nothing to crow about. All in all while the ambience was great, the staff efficient (our food came really quickly) and friendly, the food we had did not match the standard set by the former. Maybe should try the sashimi/sushi next time.

Yesterday I had lunch with my sister at White Dog Cafe (Vivocity) upon my recommendation. We had the lunch set meal which cost $10.90++ with a soup, coleslaw salad and main course. My sister's Three Mushroom Soup (upon additional $2) was great as was the last time I tried it. Thick, creamy and with lots of mushroom bits. My minestrone, however, was extremely salty and made me wonder if something went wrong. It was unbearable and I didn't finish the soup after I ate all the pieces of onion and carrot in it. The soup portions were generous. The coleslaw was not too bad, and it was delightfully topped with fish roe! I've never seen this being done before so it was a pleasant surprise. We also had Fried Calamari as an add-on ($4 for 6 pieces). The breading was good and the rocket salad at the side too, with a generous amount of thousand island dressing.

My sister's main course was grilled beef in black pepper sauce, served with buttered rice and sauteed vegetables. Mine was Maui pork shoulder in pineapple sauce, also served with rice and greens. I initially thought the sauce was going to be some cheap sweet pineapple syrup thing, but it turned out to be a thick pineapple puree, only mildly sweet, and it really impressed us. (From that we inferred that another item on the menu, pork chop with apple sauce, must be good too) The pork shoulder was quite soft for pork, so soft that I almost subconsciously judged it against the tenderness of beef (which is not fair because pork is obviously harder than beef). It was juicy and went well with the pineapple sauce. Being grilled, it was burnt at some parts which gave it a nice roast-y taste but a few points were really too burnt. In general the food was good for the price and compared to some other mid-priced restaurants selling mediocre Western food. What's more, the view was also perfect! :)

2011-01-05T06:19:00.002-05:00

Kind of determined to save up for a trip this summer.
Well if the idea of traveling just to get me through the semester with quite a lot of tuition, then so be it! :)

(I know 'kind of determined' is almost an oxymoron)

2011-01-04T06:14:00.002-05:00

just spent 2 hours on bidding and reading up on the unc joint-degree programme. was supposed to be doing my research but oh well i need to spend some time on those things too. they're important!

spent my morning at vjc playing soccer. our (xin jiemin suk azrina and yixiu) chemistry was amazing today! pass and move and 1-2s all over. like what mr lim said we were fresh and eager to play i guess. it felt great to kick balls again. i'm glad i made myself get a little active today.

i am seriously considering the unc jdp though i have many doubts.. first i am really apprehensive about what it'd really be like, whether i'll have friends and if i can survive living overseas for a year. second i'm not sure if i still can do a minor if i go on the prog! i'm almost going to bid for my political science module for semester two already. third i don't really like the whole "general education" thing at unc. fourth i am not sure if i have the financial ability. a year costs a five-figure sum!

the overseas experience and having credentials from unc are what attract me!

tell me now is the time to get out of my zone and explore.

Lesson 1: don't get physical.

2011-01-02T10:45:00.003-05:00

The smell emanating from the herbal mosquito-repellant candle is beginning to be a scent of comfort in this room. Whether it is the fact that when it's burning it means my brother is here, or that it reminds me of the good old days of innocence at camp, i sure like it.

2011-01-01T09:01:00.003-05:00

A brand new year

And so i didn't get to write anything here on 31dec, which is a personal tradition i practise yearly. But i don't regret it whatsoever because well there is nothing mandatory about blogging/reflecting on the past year on its last day right? The calendar is a human construct. Not to erode any of the importance with which i view reflecting on the yr though, because it is indeed something i love to do.

2010 in a flash... If i had to sum the year up with an adjective, it would perhaps be 'eye-opening'. Because after all in this year i left the environment which i was most familiar with - the uniformed school - and entered a variety of other terrains, at work (ocbc, era, tuition), in my internship (tpm), in university. I saw so much that i haven't seen before and experienced daily routines previously unfamiliar. Met new people and learnt a new way of looking at them.

The yr also brought a great lesson to me - of retaining self-worth when others don't give it to you. I guess that is where the word "self" comes in. Self-worth is about believing in yourself when nobody gives that worth to you. It differs from self-belief in that there might not be an end-goal, so it's not about believing in your own ability such that you will eventually meet an objective. It is simply about knowing who you are vis-a-vis the rest of the world, and knowing that you have a little light shining somewhere in the vast darkness.

Cross fingers 2011 will be great. I rarely make such wishes, but when the stakes are high I'm going all out for it.

Oh btw, 2011 started off brilliantly (:

And teehee, 20112011.

2010-12-28T04:34:00.003-05:00

Chanced upon an episode of Private Practice S4 and took away some bits. Funny how people need drama series to teach us lessons about life and reality no? Three quotes, but they essentially tell the same thing.

1. "We are our actions."

2. "You might think you're a med student. Right now you're a hooker."

3. and then something like, "Telling your wife you committed adultery is just a way to make yourself feel better. So if you wish to keep your marriage going, don't tell her, and suffer in silence yourself for the rest of your life."

The first quote sums it up. We are our actions, and no matter what we do to try and alleviate the consequences, our actions remain as facts of this world.

home no more

2010-12-27T09:14:00.002-05:00

nowhere other than my real house feels like home anymore. not ny, not vj, definitely not nus.

with vj it's like.. well i guess it never really felt like home. too short a time perhaps. the home feeling only came from vjsg and the practice of over-going to/staying in school for never-ending trainings. the homeness stems from the place, not the people. i never really felt attached to the people in vj outside of vjsg. and now, wrt vjsg, the people have already changed (like duh) and i don't have much relations with the young ones. things a'changing, a'changing...

ny used to really feel like home. but i guess there are many factors that contribute to the whole feels-like-home quality. all the friends are gone, even familiar faces of seniors and juniors whom i don't know - and in their places are hundreds other unfamiliar faces. those faces look so ny, but i don't know them. i was never very close to any teachers, and that is why the only people that remain more or less constant at least for a while don't really provide much comfort. however i must say i was extremely pleasantly surprised with the nice chat i had with miss sabrina and zhang laoshi (whom i have had zero contact with before). and then there is the issue with inferiority. nyg are super high-fliers and i never was one, at least not in the wholesome all-rounded sense. i think the feeling started growing when i entered the o-level stream in sec 3. no offence to my fellow o-levellers but i always felt we were always perceived as the lesser sisters in the school. indeed i was in a constant battle to prove myself to others and i never know if i did make it. perhaps i was just being over-sensitive as usual but i think it's just true that compared to many others i really wasn't and still am not the high-fliers that they are. it's like when i go back, i ain't nobody at all.

definitely not nus, man. hahaha.

ultra-sensitiveness at its peak ): just need to bear with it??? ):

2010-12-26T04:18:00.000-05:00

I am like a little baby now, pining for mama.

:)

伤痕

2010-12-25T12:32:00.002-05:00

夜已深
还有什麽人
让你这样醒着数伤痕
为何临睡前会想要留一盏灯
你若不肯说
我就不问
只是你现在不得不承认
爱情有时候是一种沈沦
让人失望的虽然是恋情本身
但是不要只是因为你是女人
若爱得深
会不能平衡
为情困
折磨了灵魂
该爱就爱
该恨的就恨
要为自己保留几分
女人独有的天真
和温柔的天分
要留给真爱你的人
不管未来多苦多难
有他陪你完成
虽然爱是种责任
给要给得完整
有时爱美在无法永恒
爱有多销魂
就有多伤人
你若勇敢爱了就要勇敢分

2010-12-25T09:55:00.004-05:00

merry christmas!

alright i said that even though it doesn't mean anything to me. haha. it just seems like the right thing to say :p

spent a good day out today eating pizza and catching an impromptu movie. had wanted a day in but anything's good as long as one factor remains constant!

i wonder when the day would be? felt a great urge just now walking back to do something crazy but i didn't, as usual. oh well. i believe patience is a virtue and i need to take care of 时机.

was about to start talking about my continued lack of discipline and sian attitude towards my project, but then i stopped short but started pondering about why i've been writing so much about my work. cos there are some other things unrelated to work that i don't talk about here. so don't you dare think i am a lifeless nerd!

sigh i am confused and fearful. can life really treat me that well?

i shouldn't be in singapore now. i should be traveling and seeing the world! started having a sudden urge to travel in australia a few days ago. i wonder when my parents would let me travel abroad without them like, not on a school trip. i'm not bearing a grudge, but i think they really should, for me to gain some experience being on my own abroad before i go on exchange. i know many people go on exchange but i really don't think it is that easy. i think i would be a wreck if i don't start learning how to manage myself overseas. and i really think going somewhere with someone i really trust for a start would be a great help in learning to do that. i am, like, seriously considering going to aussie next year to visit one of the aust sqdms and travel a bit. at least i'd know someone there? brisbane or sydney! i should!

still can't believe i didn't plan anything this vacation. argh.

i am just melting in oasis now. when i was younger, i used to think so bad about the gallagher brothers because they were so badass and all. like the drugs and fighting. but what's a person without a little attitude! the music is so full of sooooul.

2010-12-22T10:49:00.003-05:00

just returned from seniors' night at council camp. set me thinking and reflecting so much!
glad to have talked to ms sab after so long ♥

so many things have been on my mind since dinner just now. i feel like i have been stagnant for too long. like i've been hibernating for too long, like it's been a long long winter.

pretty tissue pack holder from japan

2010-12-22T01:50:00.000-05:00

2010-12-22T00:24:00.003-05:00

i am rly rly vv sian now pardon the colloquialism i am vv sian. and reducing all my words.

sick of doing the work i am doing nw and currently pissed at being pangsehed, very pissed. i cnt believe it happened and im just pissed out of my wits nw. am in the mood of planning for the festive season but the work i am doing is just dampening my spirits. still cons if i shd go to nus ltr to pick up the bks i ordered, but am super sian bcos nus is so so far away and i dont even knw if the bks are useful!! thats wht i hate abt research. placing hopes on bks that you dont even knw are gg to help. and the impt person hasnt sent me help yet and i dont knw whr to go frm here i dno if i can just go ahead w whatvr i wna do! i am nt in the very acad mood so i was hoping to keep thgs simple and strgtforward but i get the feeling the impt person hopes i can inject mre theory into it argh. its rly v sian when yr original idea gets twisted ard gotta accept it. shd i take a mega risk and jst leave the stuff til fri to do argh im sure i'll regret it so nono i jst have to try and eke sth out and make myself feel btr for today. i jst wanna do one thing now sth i cant even write on my blog but hopefully its clear what it is.

"every corner should have its own story"
so wonderful, so wonderful.

2010-12-20T10:54:00.003-05:00

a time when you only want to hear what you want to hear.

should anyone even have to learn to do that?

allow my indulgences?

i hate this.

sucks.

2010-12-18T12:05:00.003-05:00

it's a saturday night, one of my favouritest times of the week. it's been a slow day, waking up at 11, going to imh at 3 and napping from 6 to 9. see how much i sleep? it's crazy. i do appreciate the lack of haste of today. it's just nice placing my foot on the brake and enjoying my weekend. watched 'we don't live here anymore' last night and it sure was a heavy film to take in at 1 in the morning. not mentioning that it scared the heck out of me about married life. it was just so complicated and disheartening. i must say that laura dern put in a spectacular performance as terry. naomi watts comes across as the more endearing figure at the start because of her flittyness but at the end of the film you find yourself reserving your empathy for terry. nobody emerges as rightfully a hero at the end; everyone's flaws and weaknesses were exposed one by one. and that's so human no? i give the film 3.5 stars out of 5 :)

just finished writing a note for a friend. went for quick gift-shopping yesterday and got this friend some cute stuff. hope she likes it! shall sleep soon. tuition restarts tomorrow! i think i'm gonna be so so busy next semester. i hope i can manage my time well. looking forward to tmr cos there's the match, and something else along the way which i've been looking forward to all week.

2010-12-12T22:17:00.002-05:00

I shall respond to requests by my loyal reader(s) (hehe) to write here!

It's been two weeks since my last post, and hmm yes I have done quite a bit I guess, basically enjoying life and starting on my Iseas internship. The latter has been figuring in my mind very much the past several days! I've been worrying about my research topic especially so after the disappointment during my first meeting with my mentor, and I am so so glad that his response is favourable regarding my new research topic. It's like one big Phew! I think I still haven't gotten the hang of research despite engaging in it for the past semester (and for h3 in jc). I always don't know where to start and how to go about doing my preliminary literature search. I hate search engines! My oh my, this is a grossly myopic point of view - it's impossible to imagine research without digital catalogues.

Anyway, the first three days spent at Iseas hearing from researchers and scholars about a diverse range of topics were absolutely mind-blowing. I thoroughly enjoyed many of the talks even if they weren't directly related to my areas of interest. And being amongst ten other participants, all of whom are older than me (I'm the only yr1), has been immensely useful as well because of the insightful questions they ask and their conscientious and academic-oriented attitude.

On a side note, I realised why the value in my ez-link was dropping so quickly - a trip from home to nus via the northeast line sets me back $2! So I spend $4 on transport in one day. Zzz.

Alright I'm out, here's to reading the stuff my mentor recommended me! And coming up with a decent research proposal!

2010-11-28T11:50:00.003-05:00

Ladeedum.

Exams have ended, and I am a piece of driftwood for the moment.

Old woes begone, new worries hit town.

'What should I do tomorrow?' It is both a liberating and an agonizing question. On one hand, one may ask the question having broken free from some constraining form of suffering. On the other, one may ask the question in fear and uncertainty, longing for a sort of responsibility. That renders a sense of duty, of purpose.

I can just try to fathom what it feels like to be unemployed, of jobless sararimen who stare each day in the eye not knowing what they will see. I have not ascended to that stage yet, but if it comes I can just imagine how fearsome it could be.

For now, I am fortunate to be the former. One week of free-spiritedness and then I will be attending a two-week programme which I hope introduces some semblance of practical purpose into my first vacation in university. I have six weeks of holiday, and I hope to maximise it as much as possible. Do something useful for my intellectual growth, take care of my body, sustain my relationships, do stuff I adore.

I like how this post started out potentially miserable but ended off decidedly happy.

:)

2010-11-24T13:00:00.000-05:00

痛

2010-11-23T09:09:00.002-05:00

Recently,
I learnt that I had mastered the art of concealment. I have learnt how to hide all my emotions, my deepest, rawest emotion, even to those I am allegedly the closest to.

Even though it secretly put me into a celebratory mood (who would have thought, 3 years ago?), I don't know if it is ultimately a good thing or not.

2010-11-20T10:09:00.005-05:00

Last hour of the day, all to myself.

I love reflecting on my birthdays. I just looked back to last year's post:

above all, I am grateful that I have survived 18 years in this cut-throat world, cut-throat not because of modern civilisation or shady interpersonal relations, but simply for the unpredictability and impermanence of life.

Similarly this year, I am simply thankful that I have survived yet another year. It's been a really eventful year since my last birthday till today. Loads happened. Thinking about it, it's actually been somewhat a watershed. I graduated from the uniformed world, earned my certificate, did my family and myself proud at As, worked in a museum, worked in a bank/real estate office/a family with two kids, earned my keep, saw the arts, saw the world, lived the life...

and of course I took another big step in my life and went to college after growing out of the entire scholarship and prestigious university phase. It was a huge step and I feel myself so much more keenly now. Learnt to love myself, to do what I love and only what I love; I don't even know if I will be able to live past the coming year to reach my twentieth birthday, what time is there to waste? In school I've learnt so much, grown so much. It's amazing seeing how much my thoughts have matured, and how my thinking process has improved. I am just so happy to be studying what I am passionate about, and I always tell my friends with pride that I no longer fall asleep in class because what I am studying keeps me awake. Imagine that coming from someone who is known to fall asleep in class.

I wasn't expecting much today, but I am a really blessed girl. I am such an ass and I don't know why people still want to celebrate my birthday for me. 5 surprises (!), 4 cards and letters, 4 meals, 27 sms-es, 94 facebook posts and counting. I am so humbled by these sheer numbers. Talking about friends, I hope that before I make more friends, I learn to be a better friend to my existing ones.

Oh, by the way, it's a special birthday this year because my gregorian calendar and lunar calendar birthdays coincide.

Go me. :)

2010-11-17T20:56:00.002-05:00

turning 19 in two days.

i know it doesn't mean anything, but despite my nonchalance about it i am beginning to think that it is quite pathetic to pass it taking an exam and studying for the other three.

it scares me thinking about how fragile (my) life is. this flesh blood and skin that make me me can be put to death so easily. so easily. and that is why in whatever circumstances i remind myself i am just a body holding itself together, a life that can be extinguished so easily, in so many different ways; i am but a drop in the ocean that is this world, this universe, but an inconspicuous particle in this endless cyberspace.

it scares me, but it is something i embrace wholeheartedly.

from tumblr

2010-11-17T10:55:00.003-05:00

2010-11-14T02:39:00.001-05:00

Sunday and I'm back home; stayed over in school on saturday to study. Had a nice simple lunch with my sister just now, having what we've eaten since we were kids, she noted - chicken rice near hougang mall. I treasure times like these, and I realize I have also become much less fastidious about spending time on such things as compared to when I was in secondary school. I've learnt to make do with whatever I have.

Today is revise-paper3-day. And hopefully study-a-bit-of-history day but I really don't think I will have any time/ energy to do the latter. Slept at 3am yesterday (don't know doing what) and woke up at 9+ today to come home. Am sleepy now and the rain is not helping things! So I reckon it will be a tough day ahead trying to revise my paper properly. Hopefully I will make myself go to bed early today so that I will feel okay the week ahead. I'm craving for Starbucks because I've been seeing several tweets about Starbucks. And all of them are about green tea latte, so nice meh? I am a frappe person and according to my sister, it shows I am a noob. Frappe-rs promote to latte-rs. Hahaha.

Alright I'm out - it's time to revisit Foucault et Le Village et pouvoir et surveillance.

2010-11-10T05:35:00.002-05:00

Warning: Materialism ahead

Having surfed certain more sophisticated shops online recently, I really wish to develop a more sophisticated sense of style. Which means more blacks whites greys browns the occasional floral print, and very importantly some classic statement pieces. Runwaybandits actually inspires me a bit; while they do sell run-of-the-mill clothes (inevitable given what suppliers are supplying nowadays?), they have some pretty interesting pieces from time to time. I especially like the look of the girl who models for them. While she is not conventionally pretty, I think she really adds oomph to the stuff their selling... I don't think there are many other blogshop models out there who can bring out the flavour of the clothes at Runwaybandits better than her. Her smoky eyes and slight smirk are her trademarks. The site also vindicates my philosophy that it is not what clothes you are wearing but how you wear them. They do a great job putting pieces together, conquering the lil girl-punk look. They score high because of that even if some of their pieces are obviously sold by countless other blogshops.

Everybody needs to work within their respective budgets to build up a wardrobe that is sustainable. Sustainable fashion. Haha not talking about eco-fashion here but about pieces that can be mixed and matched to produce different looks that would put a rich buy-everything "fashionista" to shame.

Gosh I really sound so materialistic, but it is not as if I do go out and splash a bomb on clothes. Yes I am defending myself because there is indeed something to defend.

2010-11-08T08:25:00.001-05:00

You taught me more than I ever thought you did.

I am young, and you were part of my socialization process. Haha.

a queer mix

2010-11-07T01:35:00.004-04:00

How does one remember memories?

I think, one remembers memories by constantly going over them. But if going over them equates to getting stuck in that period, then how does one reconcile the two?

There are things I wish to remember always, the beauty of certain memories, but it seems that the key to moving on in life is letting go of some of these - in other words, forgetting.

Many of these memories have already begun to blur in the depths of my mind. They feel so surreal, so distant, in a bad way, despite the fact that not a lot of time has passed. Even so I know it is all firmly in the past now, and perhaps the only way I reconcile the queer mix of emotions - of sadness, longing, and of joyful anticipation for what lies ahead - is by recognizing that the past is not the present, and certainly not the future.

goosebumps

2010-11-06T12:22:00.002-04:00

This gave me goosebumps 21 Guns [Cast Version]

2010-11-06T06:47:00.002-04:00

Going to university has broadened my horizons very much.

It has taught me that my narrow stereotypes of people are, after all, too narrow, and too irrelevant. There are lots of people who do not fall nicely into categories I have created for them. There's the computing guy who loves politics and history, and reads the NYT, the hiphop dancer who sings in the choir, the debator who is not at all arrogant, the smart-asses who love clubbing, the icy tutor who actually has a ready smile for her students.

I think I am not fair to the people I meet. I have such pre-conceived notions of them, and when they turn out different from what I thought them to be, I could become very nice (perhaps overly nice) to them - not fair to the others eh? But I feel it's hard to eliminate the entire tendency to judge, and so instead I shall exhort myself to be more open-minded - that is, not be so surprised when people are not what I thought them to be!

2010-11-05T10:17:00.003-04:00

Some things said by an acquaintance today made me reflect deeply about my actions and speech over the past few months. I realize I still need to be more careful and more aware. No, this is not about hurtful or insensitive comments, but about words, and actions, that can be open to interpretation - a dangerous, dangerous prospect.